i know what God is asking of me. he is asking me to remember that my team was never mine. that they were entrusted to me for a season, but i have to give them back. i have to trust him to continue to grow and use them without me.

and i hate it. it's so hard to love on them and invest so much of myself into them and have to give them back. i've spent so much time crying over this loss the past few weeks, and i know that is only the beginning. as a matter of fact, there are tears rolling down my cheeks as i write these words. my heart aches at the pain of losing this group of people that have become my family.

at the start of this year, i told God that i wanted my team to be better leaders, better Jesus followers because they were part of this team. i feel so blessed to have seen that happen. i know that God could have used anyone to make that happen and i feel so incredibly honored and thankful that he chose to use me. it could have been anyone, but it got to be me.

i love that i got to see healing happen. the story of redemption was played out in each person's life on my team in some aspect. i got to see growth and love on people in hard things. i saw God make beautiful things out of brokenness.

i feel like my heart is being torn apart, and God is asking me not to try and hold the broken, bleeding pieces but to let him have them. to not only give him my pain, but to trust him with my people. to trust him to continue to tell the story, his story that he let me be part of. to trust him to bring other people into their life to pour into them. to trust him to bring other people into my life that i need to pour into and that i need to let pour into me.

i hope i get to stay in the narrative for some of them. but even if i don't, i want to chose a thankful heart for the gift this year has been. i have seen the body of Christ act the way it was meant to. i trust that God will bring that same love through his people into my life through different people, even if i haven't seen it played out yet.

hold me in my pain, Jesus. help me to keep my heart soft and usable. help me to be thankful for what you have given and not bitter for what you are taking away. thank you for using me this year and for showing me such love through my team.

i got a glimpse of what one of my friends was like as a little boy, and it really grieved me. he was hurt by a lot of people, and really missed out on people loving on him well and real community until the last few years. it's easy for me to forget that the person i see in front of me isn't the person that has always been. i know how much growth i've seen in him this year, but i can forget how different things might have been before i even knew him. listening to another part of his story made me think about a few things:

1. how thankful i am to have him in my life. i've told him numerous times, but i don't know if it has sunk in. he is really special to me. he is one person that has consistently cared for me without expectation of my response.

2. how much i want to pour into people. i want people to be loved on well, to find "home" with people who love them and to be known. i think it's what i've wanted for as long as i can remember, but it is nice to have it confirmed.

3. how good God is at telling the story of redemption in our lives. as hard as it was to hear what a difficult and lonely childhood my friend had experienced, it was also encouraging to hear how God has redeemed those hard parts of his story. because of it, he's really good at connecting with kids, asking good questions and caring for people.

thank you for making beautiful things out of us, Jesus.

beautiful things.

this is my current favorite song: beautiful things, gungor

all this pain, i wonder if i'll ever find my way.

i wonder if my life could really change at all.

all this earth, could all that is lost ever be found?

could a garden come up from this garden at all?

you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of dust.

you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us.

you make me new. you are making me new.

my heart is heavy as i feel tired and exhaustion from the long semester. i am dreading the end of the semester, because i know how painful the change will be. yet, i feel like God has been so good at giving me hope-showing me how he is changing me, how much he loves me. my team have been his instruments of love all year, but especially in the recent months of pain and loss. i am so thankful for his provision for me.

this just may be my dream library.

i think belle would approve.

a fabulous weekend full of laughter and friends-

six flags with jenna. josh and mike

dancing at the hoedown

appetizers at applebee's

hearing truth at church

brunch with anne, natalie, saritha & terri

care group

i am blessed.

today involved good things-

coffee and muffins to start the day

worship chapel

making weekend plans

impromptu lunch with core four

much needed rest

grilled cheese for dinner & enjoying newtown with terri

initiating my green dress

thank you, Jesus for these gifts.

feeling thankful for:

-coffee with serlin at LCH

-my pleated green skirt & boot combo

-a conversation with evan over "a failure of nerve" and sharing what we both learned from the book, and its current application for our lives

-time with jenna

-naptime

-being a "mom" for the night. i watched evan and giselle, and took them with me to thursday throwdown tonight. they were so good for me. from giselle in her princess dress, to hide & go seek, to evan snuggling with me, it was a some much needed kid-time.

-soup and bread for dinner, thanks to terri!

-buying tickets to hear rob bell

-baking, with help from jarrett

i head to bed thankful for a great many things, but here are just a few:

• celebrating terri's birthday today. she is such a dear friend, and i am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life. it was a joy to show her a little of how much she is loved.
• earthquake cake
• an overdue phone date with my sister
• a meaningful 1-on-1 with jarrett. a really good conversation, that i think was what he needed to hear. praise be to God for giving me wisdom and the right words.
• a good conversation with tara during the volleyball game
• compliments on my new haircut
• celebrating with abbi over a job well done in chapel
• feeling pretty in my purple dress and boots
• phil & joanna's wedding invitation in the mail
• heading to bed looking forward to tomorrow-i remember a time not terribly long ago, when i would dread work the next day. i feel so thankful to be able to look forward to work.

"give thanks to the LORD for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever. to him who along does great wonders, for his steadfast love endures forever." -psalm 136:1,4

one thing that i feel like God has been pressing upon my heart is the importance of remembering. i spoke in chapel in mid-september, sharing about the journey that God had led me on so far and some of the things he had taught me along the way. i was so blessed to be able to get feedback from students right away. God was so gracious to allow me to see some of the impact i made with this act of obedience. but beyond that, it was so good for my head and my heart to be reminded of God's faithfulness. and not just tales of God's faithfulness to other people-whether in the Bible or people that i know. but his faithfulness to me. not his faithfulness to the masses that i am one of. but his faithfulness that is specific to my life.

i don't think about his hand upon my life enough. i don't think about his plan for my life or what that even means nearly enough. when hard things happen, i don't often remember the purpose behind some of the hard things in my past and how God used them.

but i think i'm starting to. i feel like he smiles when i finally start to understand something that he's been waiting patiently for me to see. when i finally see that he is the lion who has been a part of my journey the whole time-not to hurt me, but to help me. not to wound me, but to heal me.

"‘I do not call you unfortunate,’ said the Large Voice. ‘Don’t you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?’ said Shasta. ‘There was only one lion,’ said the Voice. ‘What on earth do you mean? I’ve just told you there were at least two the first night, and –’ ‘There was only one: but he was swift of foot.’ ‘How do you know?’ ‘I was that lion.’ And Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued. ‘I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you.’…‘Who are you?’ Shasta asked. ‘Myself,’ said the Voice, very deep and low so that the earth shook: and again, ‘Myself,’ loud and clear and gay: and then the third time ‘Myself,’ whispered so softly you could hardly hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all around you as if the leaves rustled with it." -The Horse and His Boy, C.S. Lewis

so, i've decided that i want to be more intentional about remembering, more intentional about being thankful. and i find that when i am, it is so much easier for me to trust. trust in his plan. trust that his plan is for my good. trust that his faithfulness is forever.

my goal is to reflect upon his faithfulness to me each night before bed. the thankful list might not always get written down, i want to be more thankful and to have grateful habits in my life. here's to being thankful.

"the LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD endures forever." -psalm 138:8

its easy to feel like i can take the world by storm, when i have a kindred spirit by my side.

i got to spend the past week with one of my favorite people, becca.

having adventures. exploring all sorts of places. embracing fun wherever we found it.

such a refreshing week of friendship-every day a blessing.

i already miss her joy, her honesty and her delight in life filling my apartment.

while it was hard to watch her disappear through the airport doors today, i drove home filled with gratitude for the gift that i had been given. i think that God gave us both what we needed for this week.

wherever you are, it is your friends who make your world. -william james

1.1.11

1.1.11

bringing in the new year with a lil' living room dancing

thankful

what a blessed christmas break this has been.

i love finishing john's sentences. we are twins born three & a half years apart.

i love snuggling with my mommy.

i love making yummy things for my daddy to eat.

i love jokes with peter.

i love drinking coffee with paul.

i love purring kitties.

i love drinks with my grandparents.

i love jokes and tricks.

i love dressing up & playing games.

i love all the hugs i get when i am home.

i hate that tomorrow is my last day at home. but part of me is also a little ready to go back to my life. even though i don't go directly there-first a pit stop to see some friends in oregon. i am so thankful for this time, even though i think i could be happy being here for another two weeks at least. but God is so good to provide such good family time, and a job that i don't dread going back to!

come let us adore him

merry christmas, my dear friends and family. in lieu of a christmas card or letter filling you in on my life, i have opted to write a christmas post, looking back on my past year. it has been such a full year, with some pretty significant transitions. but through it all, God has once again proven himself to be faithful to me. join me in rejoicing in his provision-

i started off 2010 by continuing in my job as a RN at salem hospital on the oncology/renal floor. although i was ending each day at work exhausted, i was appreciative of the things that God provided:

-good people to work with, many of whom were patient teachers during this first year of being a nurse

-a job that paid well, that i was actually getting to help people

-dear friends nearby to have adventures with

-visits home to spend time with my family

-a church where i heard God's word preached

-my Bible study girls who both encouraged and challenged me

-living in the same city as my brother, John

-my adopted salem "family"

about mid-march, the seeds began to be planted that i might want to look for a job somewhere other than the hospital. by the end of april, i was primed and ready to have my friend molly tell me that maybe i should consider pursuing residence life, since i was much more passionate about that than i ever was for nursing. by the next day, i had sent out three applications. over the course of the next two months, i would apply to 50 different schools, 4 grad schools, all the while praying and hoping that i would get to be a resident director for the coming school year.

after testing my faith, challenging my desires and pushing my comfort zone, i was offered a job as a resident director at philadelphia biblical university. (you can read the WHOLE story here) in a whirlwind few weeks, i finished up work, packed my belongings and said good-byes before making the trek across the country with my mommy.

it certainly wouldn't have been something i would have chosen for myself-to move across the country where i don't know anyone to take a job at a school i had only learned of in the past few months. but i am so thankful that it was not of my choosing! i may not be crazy about pennsylvania's weather or traffic or being so far away from people i love. but i am certainly crazy about this job that i get up every day excited to do. i feel so blessed to be getting paid to do so many things i love: planning events, making food for appreciative students, having good conversations and spending time with people! i have felt so welcomed into this community, and am so thankful to enjoy both the staff and students that i get to work with. i have also started to get plugged into a church in philly, and continue to have God confirm that this is where he wants me. if you are wondering, i am currently attending grace bible church and love my care group!

as my pennsylvania friends are finding out, i love pictures. they capture some of my favorite moments and allow me to share these memories with others & enjoy them myself.

these are a few of my favorite photos from the past year, which capture many of the blessings that i have enjoyed this past year.

friends visiting me over christmas break: Liz & Jacob

my dear Bible study girls

celebrating Valentine's Day with my brother

hiking in silver falls state park with Lucy

enjoying the tulip fields of woodburn, oregon with Rebecca

AACs and co. at Kevin & Denae's wedding

the oregon coast with my brothers: Paul, John & Peter

the Lion King with Liz!

my last day at Salem Hospital with my friends McKenzie & Leah

some of the crew at my good-bye party: Martha, Becca, Jacob & Brent

my family, in the backyard

exploring Philadelphia with my Mommy

at my sister's wedding-Lisa & Abby

some of the res. life gang

residence life team 2010-11

manor campus RA team

coffee & dessert with Terri, Jes & Joanna

LOVE park with Jenny

bean-staches with my brothers during fall break in WA

hiking at hacklebarney state park, new jersey for RA retreat

PBU's RDs looking fly-Dustin the preppy kid, Alison the nerdy kid & Evan the emo kid

my RA team as nerds

my RAs, all ready for christmas

i just want to close with my favorite verse from a familiar christmas carol. as i've looked back on 2010, i am reminded at God's faithfulness through it all. he is worthy of praise.

All Hail! Lord, we greet Thee,
Born this happy morning,
O Jesus! for evermore be Thy name adored.
Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord.

merry christmas friends & family! love to you all.

introductions

i feel very remiss, as i have painfully neglected any writing lately.

so, this will definitely not be a full update, by any means. but it will give a small glimpse into what makes my heart full these days.

let me introduce you to my dear staff.

rob. caleb. keith. josh. seth.

kim. rachel. jes. christa joy. catie. alison.

i am so blessed by them. i didn't pick them. i didn't even know to ask for them, when they were being hired last spring. but i am amazed by God's sovereignty in giving me just the people i needed, even without me asking and acting out of unbelief at times. i love watching them love on each other and their residents. they encourage me with their enthusiasm, their love for Jesus and their kindness. they are each so different, yet so complimentary to each other in their differences. they bring such joy to my life.

and a few more people who are dear to me.

terri. evan. amanda. giselle. dustin. rafferty. ruthann. alison. stephen.

these are not only the people i am privileged to work with, but my friends. whether enjoying lunch in the cafeteria, laughing over silliness in the office or eating dinner together for thursday throwdown, i love these people that God has put in my life.

my cup overflows.

when i went home for fall break, i was surprisingly not terribly sad to leave my family after only 3 days. i realized that langhorne, pennsylvania had become

my home in my few short months here.

thank you Jesus for bringing me much farther than i wanted to come.

thank you for stretching me to be brave and step out in faith.

thank you for the chance to do what i love.

i wake up every day excited for the job i get to do.

praise God from whom all blessing flow.

high: my life/low: none

we had our first official, routine staff meeting tonight.

when we went around to say our highs and lows of the week, it was hard to come up with a low. at first, i thought it could be that i was tired from the craziness of the weekend of welcome/RA training/start of school. but even as i came up with that, i realized that even in my tiredness, i was still content and happy. the tiredness i feel is not the weary exhaustion that i had for most of this last year. instead, i am energized by the job i am privileged to do and the people i get to do it with. thank you Jesus!

tonight was super fun. i had missed having all my RAs together, even though it had only been a few days. we plays two truths & a lie, and thoroughly enjoyed josh's accents for medical emergencies. we are almost all ready for our event that is a week away. all the treats got eaten. i told my life story. all in all, a great meeting with lots of laughter. i love my staff.

they are all here. (insert contented sigh here)
my staff of 11 seems small compared to the 16 or even 18 that i am used to with the apartment staff.
but like baby bear's belongings, it is just the right size.
i am tired, but my heart is bursting at the seams.
i can't wait for the days ahead. thank you, Jesus.
i am so glad my RAs are here, and we can start this adventure.


and yes, a group photo was taken during our first staff meeting of 30 minutes. shocker, i know. =)

this is for reals.

today i had the realization that this is really happening. not that i didn't realize that before. after all, the drive across the country, the training for the past few weeks, the unpacking of many boxes definitely gave me some pretty big clues about this change. =) but tonight i met two of my RAs who came a day early, and i got so excited. until today, they have just been names on a paper. and my job has been training and getting settled.

but tomorrow, it really starts. my hall coordinator got here on the 12th, so its been increasingly more real this past week as we've gotten to start working together. but today made everything seem so much more real than it has been up until this point. i'm really here, living in pennsylvania, where i am have a job that i am so excited about. thank you, Jesus. i know that this is a blessing straight from you. thank you for giving me the privilege of being in this leadership role. give me wisdom so that i can be a blessing to those i am living among. i trust you for this year. give me the grace and courage to lead well.

doxology

it almost feels like it has been months since i flew out to PBU and got offered the resident director position. but really that has only been a month. it also seems like ages ago that i had my last day of work. but no, it has only been two weeks.

people keep asking if i have settled in, how i am feeling, how i am adjusting...and the truth is that sometimes it feels like reality and other moments i feel as though i am going to wake up from this dream. and not that it is a bad dream! i still can't quite believe that i am here!
but here i am. i live in pennsylvania. weird. but good.

two weeks ago i had my last day of work. i packed up all my stuff. i said good bye to friends and even cried a little. then i set out on a great cross-country road trip with my mom. i couldn't have asked for a better travel buddy. someone who knows me well, can sing along with the tunes, let me have car naps and put up with all my silliness to boot! we did discover some things on the journey though:
-toll roads are a terrible idea. lots of states seem to have functioning roads without them. it seems like alot of unnecessary stopping. and annoying to have to give away all your cash just to drive through a state...or several. but using different voices when paying tolls makes it almost worth it. almost. but not quite.
-the debate isn't really about a chicken or an egg. it is about the grape and the grapefruit. =)
-if ever suffering a small appetite at a bed and breakfast, it is best to bring your own zip-lock-bags for a quick food stash, so as not to hurt any feelings.
-cows are great!
-if you want to be prepared, it would be advisable to bring glasses that see through clouds in the event of fog at mt. rushmore. otherwise, you may be forced to take photos will a pop machine with the 4 presidents' likeness instead.
-if making up a motto, keep it simple. three words is best. with a period after each, such as: believe. achieve. succeed.
-we live in a beautiful country. it was a blessing to see more of it!

we arrived to PBU a week ago today. even that seems like a while ago. it was so good to get to explore philly with my mom who also was experiencing it for the first time. such a beautiful, historic city!

and then to start work. what a great job i have-complete with fun, caring people, an office of my own, business cards, a brand new phone, dinner invitations, painting parties (as in painting walls, not murals) and new friends. most of my belongings haven't arrived yet, so it is hard to feel very settled when my furniture consists of an air mattress and a cooler. but in spite of that, it has been a good first week. God has filled what could have been lonely moments with new friends. God has blessed me with the hope of the year ahead as i got to contact my RAs for the coming year and continue to dream. God has placed me in a beautiful city with so many things to see and do at my fingertips.

i am overwhelmed with how far God has brought me in the past few weeks. i am so undeserving of how he has blessed me. my faith was so small during the waiting time, yet God answered my prayers. i complained at how slow the process was, but he continues to show me how perfect his timing is. as i grieved about leaving people i love behind, he already had people in place to love me here.

praise God from whom all blessings flow. praise Him all creatures here below. praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen.


ps. pictures are coming soon, i promise.

a dangerous business

today the movers have come to take away all my belongings that aren't riding out with jordan (my car), my mom and me. i know that i've been making steps the past two weeks to leave for PA: calling my utilities, having my last work day, packing and cleaning...but now that all my stuff is being packed up and taken away, i know there is no turning back. my course is set on this adventure. and you know what? before a few months ago, i would have been terrified at the thought of leaving everyone i know. i would have thought you were crazy if you had told me i would move to the east coast. i would have never believed that i would ever be anything but a nurse.

but its not a few months ago. God has worked in my heart and shown me the next step i am to take. and yes, it is a pretty big one. but surprisingly, i'm not scared. i feel peace and hope and excitement for what God is going to do.

the past few days as i've packed and cleaned (a loathsome task to be sure), i kept hearing frodo's voice in my head, talking to sam as they were starting out on their own big adventure:

“remember what Bilbo used to say: it's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. you step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
J.R.R. Tolkien

the one i've always wanted

i recently watched "stranger than fiction" with my friend, molly. although i had seen it before, i connected with something in a particular scene of the movie.
the whole premise of the film is that an IRS agent starts hearing a voice narrating his life. when the voice mentions his imminent death, harold has to find out if he has any control over the story or if the narrator is going to kill him. during this search, he seeks the help of professor hilbert, a professor of literature.

Jules Hilbert: You were right. This narrator might very well kill you. So I humbly suggest that you just forget all this and go live your life.

Harold Crick: Go live my life? I am living my life. I'd like to continue to live my life.

Jules Hilbert: I know. Of course. I mean all of it. However long you have left. You know, I mean, Howard,you could use it to have an adventure. You know, invent something, or just finish reading Crime and Punishment. Hell, Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.

Harold Crick: What's wrong with you? Hey. I don't wanna eat nothing but pancakes. I wanna live. Who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?

Jules Hilbert: Harold, if you'd pause to think. I believe you'd realize that that answer's inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led and, of course,the quality of the pancakes.

Harold Crick: You don't understand. What I'm saying.

Jules Hilbert: Yes, I do.

Harold Crick: But you have to understand that this isn't a philosophy or a literary theory or a story to me. It's my life.
Jules Hilbert:Absolutely. So just go make it the one you've always wanted.



as soon as i heard that last line, i knew that was how i felt. as cheesy as it sounds, i feel like with this move to PA and my new job, i get to have the life i've always wanted.

don't get me wrong. i am really going to miss my family and friends enormously. i hate that i am going to be so far away. my heart hurts when i think about it.
i am also very thankful for my nursing experience and how God has stretched and grown me through it all.
but i am also very grateful that i get to have the chance to have "the one i've always wanted." i am so excited to get to be a resident director.