Friday, October 9, 2009

i held it together for 12 hours...

i am spent. 

today broke my heart and exhausted every ounce of energy that i had to give. 
i came home and cried. 
 
i had to help a family walk through a brand new diagnosis of stage four cancer, with only months to live. and although they thanked me again and again for my care and attention to them, i can't help but feel as though i am barely touching the hurt. this family became very dear to my heart in the two days that cared for this patient, and i can only pray that God comforts and heals in ways in which i can not. 

i had to walk a patient and his family through his first batch of chemo. even though i am not the one who gives it, since i'm not certified as a chemotherapy nurse, i am still his nurse and do everything BUT give the chemotherapy. with a relatively new diagnosis, a young family and his first experience with chemotherapy, i did my best to answer all their questions with my limited experience with oncology. (i appreciate that my patients assume i know what i'm doing/that i am a competent nurse, but sometimes i wish they didn't assume quite so much!)

i had to advocate for a patient with constant pain who wasn't getting the attention she needed from the doctor. it wasn't really the doctor's fault, just bad communication between specialists and consultants. however, it was me who had to sort through all the phone calls to help my patient get the treatment she wanted AND needed. i know she felt bad for continuing to vent to me, knowing that i was doing everything i could to help her. at the end of the day, she grabbed my hand and with tears in her eyes, thanked me for making an unbearable day full of wracking, spasming pain, bearable. 

i had to give care to an elderly woman who has been neglected in her daughter's care. while the pneumonia that brought her to the hospital was not her daughter's fault, her red, excoriated skin was such a sad sight, as it was so preventable. this woman thanked me again and again for looking after her needs. 

i have never talked to so many family members or called so many doctors in one day. i am exhausted. when i asked for God to use me today, i didn't envision this. but i wouldn't have traded today. i'm tired. all over. and my eyes are now puffy from crying, but i am so thankful that i could be used in this small way, for one day in these people's lives. 

may God give me the grace to continue loving on people in this way.
and may he fill me up so that i can keep pouring out. 


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