costume party

last night, our house became the playground for a variety of characters. mr. rodgers, mooch the cat, cinderella (pre-ball version), mr. stay n. alive, daniel boone and zorro appeared to grace our residence with their presence.
to start the evening, each guest was given a character name taped to their back. "yes and no" questions were used to discover one's own identity. cinderella turned out to be kate mckay (from kate and leopold.) mr. alive discovered he was tarzan, while mooch found out she was hello kitty! =) daniel boone was peter pan, while zorro could related to his other identity as robin hood. mr. rodgers, appropriately enough, embraced his more adventurous side as han solo. during dinner, voting for the best costume was conducted. dimes were also given to each guest as motivation for using each person's character name. for using a name other than their own for the evening meant giving up one's dime! mr. rodgers seemed to win each time this game was played.

the food was delicious. italian sodas and fizzy orange juice, homestead soup, snickerdoodles and jello only added to the fun of the activities. while munching on treats, the winners for the best costume were announced: daniel boone and cinderella.

the next game was "pavlov's game" where the person who was "it" had to leave the room while the other players decided on an action the person had to perform. to help the individual discover the desired action, clapping provided encouragement while clearing one's throat showed disapproval. this was so much fun! mr. rodgers was the most fun to watch as he tried to figure out that we wanted him to flex his muscles.

the evening ended with "never dressed without a smile" which cinderali was not good at! the "it" person had to try to make the other players smile. when someone was spotted smiling, it was their turn to be "it." the last person to smile won! again, mr. rodgers seemed to win at this one at first, until it was noticed he too was unable to hold a completely straight face. even he smiled a little... =)

we all had so much fun last night. taking pictures, laughing, eating good food and enjoying each other's company made last night the highlight of my week. lots of happy thoughts lumped into one night.

rest

today i felt rest:

-playing cards with daddy
-singing "my new philosophy" and shouting "no!"
-shopping at goodwill
-listening to adventures in odyssey, "the perfect witness"
-snuggling with kitties
-having a tea party with peter and paul
-reading mutts
-thinking about friends
-writing my exegesis paper and being amazed at God's supremacy and desire for reconciliation (colossians 1:15-20)

"we find rest in those we love, and we provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us." saint bernard of clairvaux

happy thoughts

today was relaxing with many happy thoughts:

*thinking about john doing running start next year
*talking with daddy
*making sushi with mommy aka the avacado lady
*having jane purr in my lap
*listening to john mayer's "waiting on the world to change"
*practicing basketball with raindrops falling on my head
*scooter-ing with john in the rain
*having davy jump in my lap and rub his face against mine
*playing the puffin game with all of my brothers and taking turns by passing the laptop from person to person
*watching a movie with john

home

it is always a little strange to come home, when i have another home somewhere else. yet, it is still comforting and very nice to be in such a familiar place.

yesterday i got a basketball lesson from my brothers. because of the upcoming res. life b-ball tournament, i thought i should get a little more familiar with the game and actually playing it. after having three different teachers, i feel a little confused but very inadequate. i think another lesson is in order! =)

today we celebrated grandma's birthday. the chocolate chip cheesecake was delicious. it was a little sad without poppop being there. the first birthday celebration without him. she is so appreciative of everything that is done for her though. i am so blessed by her joy. i can only pray that i will be able to allow God to be my strength and joy like that.

i went to church twice today. both times, it was so wonderful to see my church family. i got to hold judah who is my favorite baby of the moment. i got to see kali and kristi. i got to get hugs from lizzie and ryan and colleen.

we went to a prayer service tonight, which i was reluctant to go to, but turned out to be exactly what i needed. people praising God, reading scripture aloud, in an unstructured, but Spirit-led kind of way. paul even read a verse, which made me want to cry a little, to hear my 8-year-old brother proclaiming God's truth so publicly. we also took communion a little different. instead of taking it ourselves, we presented it to someone else. this ran the risk of potentially not taking communion if no one served you, but it was very powerful! i would love to try this with my staff...

smoothie date

sleeping for over ten hours was just what i needed. i felt refreshed and ready for the day when i awoke, in sharp contrast to my feelings the previous morning. i was excited to go home and see my family.

stephanie and i finally had our coffee date, which turned out to be conversation over mixed berry smoothies and going to greenroom together. yummy smoothies. lovely worship. we bumped into amanda and bethany and david over the course of the morning and i was reminded once again of the blessing of being surrounded by friends.

i really love stephanie. after spending the morning together, i was a little happier because of her company and a little sadder because i only have a month left with her on campus. i hate that i always remember that, but i can't help it. i just ask him to help me enjoy today and to be my strength with the end comes.

wakey wakey, eggs and bakey

good morning sunshine. 4:30 a.m. i definitely wasn't prepared for amanda standing over my bed, waking me up so early. i thought i had overslept, because of my late night finishing my paper...so i sat up pretty quickly...only to find out that it was initiation morning. awesome.

last night should have given me a hint. we decorated the capes that the new team would wear all day. we planned the sequence of events for that morning. we even got the supply kits ready for them. i did think it was a little strange that we were doing everything so far in advance...our supposed date for initiation was april 12th.

needless to say, my staff got less sleep than danielle, cherie and i...and the rest of my staffies next year. yay for res. life! =)

i am currently wearing an awesome cape decorated by cherie since i am taking over winters apartments next year. i am also the proud owner of a hideously ugly, sequined yellow hand bag which attaches to my wrist. i get to wear pretty clothes to compliment these accessories. and if anyone asks me about my outfit, i get to respond with the line from vintage21's jesus videos: "you are all evil. there is no hope. that's all. thank you."

smokey

is it weird that i don't want to wash my sweatshirt?
when i put it on today, it smelled smokey.
it smelled like the retreat.
i will wash it, but it will be a little sad i think.
i like that smell.
i like the people the smell reminds me of.
i also like this quote:
"The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." Victor Hugo

phone number

i just had a sad moment. i was looking in my phone for a number so i can fill out my walkabout form, when i saw "poppop" under my contacts. and i realized that i can't call him anymore. i almost changed the name to "grandma" but somehow i couldn't...for now. i'm glad he's in heaven, but knowing he isn't here anymore is still a little sad.

one more realization that i really do miss him.

out of control!

out of control. i feel like that is the only way to describe this morning.

first of all, when i woke up before 5 this morning, i went to the mirror to discover my face was peeling. sunburns are awesome. at least the redness has gone down some, but i think i would prefer the embarrassed look over skin flaking off my face!

we made it to our clinicals early, compared to getting lost last week! i got assigned to a cna again this week and got to do alot again!!

one of the first things i did was give a woman a shower. when my cna told her that i was a nursing student, the woman asked, "are you sure that's a good idea?" i wondered the same thing, as i began to help this woman shower by myself. i was very nervous, but i tried to focus on the woman i was helping. before long, she was clean and she told me that i should get an "A" for showering. she said i was even better than some of the people who worked there.

i fed a man his breakfast. he couldn't hear me very well, but he certainly could talk! everything he said sounded like he was hitting on me, but because he was an old guy in bed who couldn't even feed himself, he definitely got away with it. i laughed so much when i was out of his presence. not only does he share the name of a staff member (who i could almost picture acting like this now, even more so as an old guy!), but i don't think i will ever think of french toast the same.
some of the topics we...actually, he discussed, with my limited input:
-my single status
-my lack of opportunities for relationships at my young age (he assured me not to worry! i would have time.)
-swimming and what kind of bathing suit i wear
-a compromise of bathing suits: since he likes one-pieces and i wear a two-piece (tankini), i should only wear the top next time i swim
-the benefits of girl-girl relationships: no pregnancies!
-when to have kids
-whether or not i would consider having a girl-girl relationship (she would have to be pretty, if i did, according to him)
-threesomes and the downfall of having your mate/significant other being a part of the threesome (he or she might like the other person better than you)
when i thought one topic was bad enough, he just kept going! i must say, i didn't feel like he was suggesting these things for me to do outright, although it came out that way. it was more like he was informing me of my options...as they were.

the clinical time ended just as humorously with our entire clinical group singing karoake to "i'm leaving on a jet plane" because of an event they were having that day. holly wore the afro wig and led the rest of our reluctant group in a relatively enthusiastic round of this song. all the residents loved it! =)

a little out of control, but my comfort level is increasing ever so slightly. and i was told today that i was going to be a great nurse by the cna i worked with along with a few residents. today felt like a little light at the end of this rather dark tunnel!

jonah

this weekend, scott talked about jonah and how each of have our own "ninevahs": people that rub us the wrong way, we don't connect with, etc. as r.a.s we have the unique opportunity to minister to our residents. the temptation to wait until it is a little more convenient or after the homework is done before ministering is ever present. we hold the precious gift of God's grace. will we choose to share it? will we hold it to ourselves and even be angry when God shares it to our "ninevahs"?

this morning as i read my bible, i read psalm 27 where david asks God to show up and meet with him. he asks God to give him an answer. i know that i often ask that of God...but how often do i, like jonah, already anticipate the answer i want God to give me? am i prepared for the possibility that God might have something completely different in mind for me? something i may not be comfortable doing? something i may outright hate? something i would be scared to do?

one other thing i thought of...what if, sometimes we aren't like jonah? what if sometimes, we are like the whale? God asks us to swallow something and even get rid of it only a short time later, at great discomfort to ourselves. we may not see the results or even understand. in fact, we may just be playing a part in someone else's story.

do i trust God?

am i content to let him bring "ninevahs" into my life? am i content to let him have the control? am i content to not understand what is going on? am i content to feel inadequate if it means that God is able to work through me? am i willing to let him use my insecurities and fears for good?

lord, help my unbelief. help me to trust you.

tired and content

i loved my weekend. i'm tired, but content.

some of the highlights:
-leaving almost an hour later than when we scheduled our meeting time, which was predicted
-hearing about stacey's first pediatric patient and being excited for when i'll have mine
-listening (and singing along!) to chris rice, country and wicked on the way to our retreat
-eating cookies that cherie and whitney made while we drove
-playing leap-frog while driving with kevin
-stopping at subway and sharing a sandwich with amanda
-driving on a windy road in the dark
-hearing bryan sing "beautiful" accompanied by scott
-being led in worship by tj, john and stephanie
-watching bryan demonstrate his toothpaste commercial smile
-learning that david usually brushes his teeth 4 times a day
-having amanda and stephanie braid my hair
-laughing about the constant reminders of the nursing program with danielle, jocelyn and stacey...yay for aspiration!
-hugging
-climbing in the hot tub after getting settled: girls' tub and boys' tub
-sleeping on the floor with amanda
-listening to bryan telling stories
-feeling safe with these people
-laughing
-driving to snow bunny
-getting sun-burned while playing in the snow
-putting snow down scott's shirt
-making sandwiches in the snow
-watching john and whitney pop the intertube they sat on while eating lunch
-throwing snowballs
-being impressed by david and scott's snowball throwing skills
-hearing bryan's laugh
-tubing!
-piling on the tube and going down the hill
-flying in the air after hitting the jump
-going down on the tube as a train...over the jump
-being sad when bryan left early
-falling asleep on david's shoulder while watching basketball
-eating tacos for dinner
-"no arms and legs" jokes: what do you call 2 guys with no arms and legs over your window? curt and rod!
-going on a walk with martha
-humming "the lonely goat herd"
-youth group night: complete with "pharoah, pharoah," "father abraham" and "he's got the whole world in his hands," including the hippie and wildcats verses
-seeing david's enthusiasm for the wildcats verse
-watching jocelyn do the motions for the hippie verse
-clucking to find the rest of my chicken friends: tj, stacey, david and martha
-having a spoon encompassed in ice with an imaginary string attached make its way down my shirt and pants
-listening to scott read jonah and talk about our own ninevahs
-feeling a little more ready for the end of the year
-more hot tub time: jocelyn, david, stacey, scott, danielle, amanda, whitney, martha and me in the same tub
-watching veggie tales and knowing all the words to the songs
-hearing cherie and danielle sing along too
-falling asleep while watching jonah and being woken up by kevin
-sleepily packing and getting ready to go home
-having "beautiful" stuck in my head
-sitting in a circle, worshipping outside before we left
-sharing my tree with kevin
-listening to stephanie talk about the dawn treader
-being glad that we can be close even without being in each other's presence
-stopping at dq
-seeing every car in our caravan on the ride home, in spite of stopping at different places along the way
-coming home and taking a nap
-loving my staff so much
-being tired, but content

my homies

in only one short hour, i get to go on retreat with some of my favorite people....retrizzle with my homies! =)
as i've been thinking this week about the upcoming weekend, i have been so excited, strangely nervous and a little sad. excited because i love the people i get to spend tons of time with! nervous because i'm not even sure why? and a little sad because this is our last "official" retreat together. even with plans for reunions, this feels like the beginning of the end, which makes me sad. i don't like thinking like that, but i can't help it.

fifteen of us heading out on an adventure.
we've done this before, yet this is completely new.
then we didn't really know each other, now we're friends.
lord, help this weekend to honor you. help us to put aside our expectations and comparisons of past experiences with each other. be among us through our conversations, activites and all that we do. protect us and bless us. thank you for these special people that make up my staff. i am so blessed by them.

and my room-mates. they really do come through for me too. i love them so much. since i'm around them so much, sometimes i forget how special they are to me. i loved holding j's hand when she drank her cough syrup last night. i loved making plans for the days ahead of us. i loved getting coffee with j last night to keep us awake. i loved studying late into the night with a buddy. i loved hearing encouragement about my test today, despite j's lack of knowledge on the topic. it helped.

jesus, you are more than enough. you are more than enough for me. you satisfy me with your love. i get a little taste of how much you love me through those you have placed around me.

behind the wheel

i went to clinicals again this morning. instead of following a nurse around today, i followed a cna and got to do alot more partcipation! i felt like i learned so much, especially about humility...

today i had the feeling of when i first started driving. i felt terrified! what on earth am i doing behind the wheel? do i even know what i am doing? i was nervous as i took a woman's blood pressure, praying that i would be able to hear both the systolic and diastolic sounds with my stethoscope. i was nervous as i helped a woman shower for the first time. i was nervous as i made beds for real patients for the first time. i was nervous as i had to help patients get ready for the day, finding their things and helping them to the bathroom. and i was nervous when i got feedback from my instructor.

but i wasn't full of nervous feelings all morning. i got called a pretty girl as i fed a man his breakfast...only to discover by his physical therapist that he was supposed to feed himself! i stayed and sat with him as he finished eating though. i assured a woman that she wasn't loony, even though she was worried that the nurses thought she was. i wheeled a man to his breakfast and sat with him. i delivered snacks and coffee to patients. i talked to a woman recovering from surgery and compared menus for the week. i agreed that today sounded the worst with tuna casserole and lima beans! i loved the conversations and laughter on the ride to and from the facility.

i am behind the wheel of this fast moving major of nursing. so often i don't feel like i have any idea what i'm doing, but then i feel reassurance from jesus, my friends and family that i am where i am supposed to be. yet, in spite of my feelings of inadequacy, i suprise myself! i was able to do vital signs for all the patients i was assigned to, and able to interpret the numbers i got. i was able to interact with patients and made a few friends. and i learned alot.

a message

in my youth culture and ministry class, we listened to "a message" by coldplay. i listened to it again today. isn't this what jesus is all about? he proves to be the ultimate friend. his gift of salvation is personal. he seeks us out and shows us how much he loves us in the way that he knows will mean the most to us. he doesn't give us anything generic. he doesn't give us soap or a gift card under the christmas tree. he specially selects an abudant life which isn't like any other, especially for me. he risks everything. he pursues us with all that he has, offering the best gift we will ever receive. we don't deserve this love, yet he seeks after us, waiting for us to say 'thank you' and go home. loving him back is the automatic response for understanding this grand and glorious mystery of jesus' love.

My song is love/Love to the loveless shown/And it goes on/You don't have to be alone

Your heavy heart/Is made of stone/And its so hard to see clearly

You don't have to be on your own/You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back/And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that

You're the target that I'm aiming at/Got to get that message home

My song is love/My song is love, unknown/But I'm on fire for you, clearly

You don't have to be alone/You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back/And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that

You're the target that I'm aiming at/And I'm nothing on my own

Got to get that message home/And I'm not gonna stand and wait

Not gonna leave it until it's much too late/On a platform I'm gonna stand and sing

That I'm nothing on my own/And I love you, please come home

My song is love, is love unknown/And I've got to get that message home

not a toothbrush

today in bible class we were talking about salvation. so often it is portrayed as a general gift to everyone. jesus came to save the whole world. everyone can be saved. yet, what about a personal relationship with jesus?

tom johnson is absolutely one of my favorite profs. today he explained it as a huge christmas tree. underneath are an abundance of gifts. but each one is specific to one person. it has a name tag with my name on it. not just a generic gift "from santa" but a specially selected gift from jesus to me. he has a specially crafted plan for my life, so much better than anything i could ever think of for myself. while these gifts of salvation are available to each person, they by no means look the same for anyone. jesus is so much bigger than that! he was willing to purchase these amazing gifts himself, going shopping with his own blood to pay for the best that he could bestow on us.

he came so that we could have life and have it more abundantly! why don't i live like this? i don't think i often apply this truth. i just act like i was given a gift that is available to everyone. like a free toothbrush or something insignificant. thanks jesus for this toothbrush salvation. what is wrong with me? i should be shouting from the roof-tops that jesus transformed my life. he gave me the best gift i've ever been given, offering payment with the most valuable thing imaginable. this gift was crafted especially for me, so that i could live. not merely exist, but live an abundant life. he didn't give me a toothbrush! he draped a royal robe around my trembling shoulders. he placed jewels on my hands. he gave me riches more than i could imagine or ever deserve. i am almost ashamed of my warped view of salvation! how easily the truth can be twisted.

jesus, i so often take my salvation, the greatest gift i could ever receive and have ever received for granted. help my faith to be real. when i say thank you, i want to mean it. i don't want my prayers to just be repetitions of what i've heard others say or what i think i should say. i want my words to express how grateful i truly i am for your presence in my life.

loveliness

as i'm in my bed ready for sleep to come, i realize how blessed i am. today...tonight was wonderful.
i was tired from lack of sleep and the busy week, but everything felt so right. how it should be.

i love my room-mates. i love when they tease me. i love when they show how well they know me, even when they expose weaknesses of mine. i love it when they prove they love me by sticking around after that weakness is exposed.

i needed tonight. the reminder that change is coming soon is ever present, but he is helping me enjoy today.

reading e-mail after e-mail sent to the entire staff and smiling. sitting in the bon. seeing david and talking about puffins. knowing bryan loved jenga last night as much as i did. laughing with danielle in the car-ride to the hockey game. listening to her story and wishing i could do more to help the hurting go away. having friends around me as i watched the winterhawks play miserably and lose the game. watching firemen and plumbers play hockey against each other for four minutes. hearing scott root for the plumbers. hitting cheer sticks together. watching martha hit cheer sticks together. sitting behing lacey and carrie and talking with namky and being excited for apt. staffies next year. missing amanda even though she is still sitting next to me. hearing tj make hawk noises. talking about dreams on the ride back to campus about the same certain someone. enjoying hot cocoa. hearing john say 'awkward.' watching 'stranger than fiction' on amanda's floor. almost falling asleep and snuggling with amanda. seeing cherie sleeping. having whitney stroke my head. coming home to my light on.

being exhausted but so content. this is where i am supposed to be.

koalas, kangaroos and wombats oh my!

i'm going to australia! with my roomie! yay!

next may,
i'm going to an eucalyptus forest.
i'm going to the great barrier reef.
i get to see
kangaroos
koalas
wallabies
wombats
tasmanian devils
i get to visit the blue mountains.
i will go to the whitsunday islands.
i'm going to the sydney opera house.
museums and rainforests and marine habitats, oh my!
and i'm going with amazing prof: j.foster.

sleeping in a tent outside in the rain among noisy people with loud music...
was definitely worth it.

i feel like i need to watch "finding nemo" and "the rescuers down under" to review my limited australian knowledge. i know what i am watching over spring break! =)

i'm going to australia, mate!

family

"there's no vocabulary for love within a family, love that's lived in but not looked at, love within the light of which all else is seen, the love within which all other love finds speech. that love is silent." -t. s. eliot

jesus, thank you for my family.
my biological family, who mean the world to me.
my room-mates, who tease, support and love me and keep me sane.
my staffies, who i've grown to love more than i could have imagined possible.

jesus, you have given me all that i need. you knew that i need my family and you have more than provided with all these amazing individuals. some i've known longer than others, but all of them were so obviously placed in my life by you.

last night at staff meeting was special. sitting around our table, eating, laughing. deciding whether or not the new computer game was appropriate or if the blackberries should be placed on spikes. =) talking about retreat plans. (will there be cable? march madness has some people concerned) hugs all around. i love looking around and seeing faces, who i love and that i know love me back.

focus on the family institute

something to think about...

going to focus on the family institute for a summer
http://www.focusinstitute.org
juniors, seniors or recent graduates, ages 19-26
88 students each term accepted
june through july
taking 8 weeks to study either

1)family issues in christian perspective

2)cultural issues in christian perspective

i don't know when or if i am even supposed to do this, but i feel like i should explore this option a little bit more. maybe not right now, but i just need to leave room for God on this....

a jar of clay

sometimes i feel almost guilty for having doubts, for feeling overwhelmed, for wondering...

yet, according to paul, as a jar of clay these things help to describe me during this fragile stage on my journey:
"...but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure." 2 cor. 4:7

as a jar of clay, i am
pressed
perplexed
hunted down
knocked down

but i'm not
crushed
driven to despair
abondoned by God
destroyed

"for our present troubles are small and won't last very long. yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! so we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. for the things that we seen now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." -2 corinthians 4: 17-18

trust

God has really been teaching me about trusting in him. more than i would like. about alot of things.

ever since this semester started, i have had this fear about the end of the year. i don't want to say good-bye to my staff who have become my family. i don't want to be that much closer to being a grown up. i don't want to start over loving a whole new staff. i'm scared there won't be room in my heart. i'm afraid i'll miss my other family too much. i love them so much. it hurts to think that some of them won't even be here next year because they're graduating. bother.

i'm scared about nursing. today was my first clinical experience and before this morning, i felt completely inadequate. am i cut out for this job? sometimes i feel so lost and wonder if this is for me. i get excited at the idea of being able to tangibly meet peoples' needs, but classes can be so overwhelming.

even where to go for junior's abroad at the end of next year. sign-ups are only a few short days away. where do i want to go out of so many amazing trips? should i stick with my friends? how do i chose?

and the little girl i'm mentoring. am i making a difference? should i do this again next year? it takes alot of out of me, not only time-wise but emotionally. it feels right, but i want to be an active member of res. life next year. i don't want to commit to anything that God isn't calling me to. will she feel abondoned if i don't continue with her another year? will i feel like i'm abondoning her?

in spite of all these doubts and fears, God has been speaking to me. encouraging me. giving me peace even with all my unanswered questions and waverings.

last night was good for me. i had a moment of fear as i walked into the res. life meeting and realized that i didn't know very many people. after signing the contract, i began to get a little excited for the chance to be a part of res. life again next year. a little fear mixed with excitement. then, we split up into staffes for next year. apartment staff seemed so different from my staff now, but right somehow. even with nervous emotions, the picture we took at the ends seems to capture it all. i can't exactly explain it, but i feel like God is providing for all my needs before i'm even asking. next year is covered. it may feel different than this year, but it will be what i need.

with less than 5 hours of sleep, i woke up early (at the butt-crack of dawn as my nursing buddies say!) to go to my first clinical. i was so nervous! again, God more than provided. i was assigned to follow a nurse around for the morning. feeding patients, dressing bed sores, doing vital signs, checking patients' bruising...being cursed at, which would have made me probably cry, if the patient had been in her right mind. as it was, i couldn't help but laugh as soon as i was out of the room.

"who are you?"
"i'm a nursing student."
"are you here to learn how to be mean?"
"no, i'm here to learn how to provide good nursing care."
"well, you won't learn it with this bad company."

this was followed by many names and explitives that i won't repeat here, but make me smile just a little. =)

mw gave an amazing quote last night that made me want to cry, because it touched my heart right where all my doubts, hurt and hope have been pouring out of.

"every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see." -corrie ten boom