just because i don't complain out loud doesn't mean that i haven't let a little piece of bitterness into my heart. it seemed to sneak in without me knowing, and definitely without an invitation. i realized just last week that i had suddenly become resentful of my singleness. even a little mad at God.
needless to say, that it didn't take long for my heart to be convicted of this. first of all, i had my Bible study (which has been such a blessing.) when i heard what the other girls had to say about the section we had all studied during the week, i felt a tight feeling in my abdomen as i realized what my problem was, and i suppose still is. i like plans. always have, probably always will. and although in my head i say i believe that God has a plan for me, i had been treating his plan as the back-up one. i had failed to trust that his plan for me not only was good but better than mine, and even the BEST one.
the day after Bible study, i spent the day visiting friends in newberg. God gave me a real gift in the encouragement that i enjoyed that day. on my way home, i got a text from martha.
do you have any days off next week?
want to come chill at a beach house with me and kyle?
call me asap.
woot!
woot indeed.
those few days at the beach in our little cottage were so restful and life-giving.
although i certainly didn't deserve it, God blessed with me this gift-rest, friendship, laughter,
and he continued to teach me things. aside from the gift of being with dear friends, who revived my spirit, i had time to read and think, with God continuing to work in my heart.
he reminded me of hebrews 12:10-11
"our parents disciplined us for a little while as they thought best;but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."
he gave me this nugget from c. s. lewis:
"we are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
"it seems that everyone else has caught a train for which we can't get a ticket. some of us have hopes that our point of deprivation is temporary, while others have to honestly admit that they will probably live out their lives in this state.
the question arises, can we be okay with ourselves, others and God when we can't have everything we want in life? its bad enough when we can't have it ourselves, but to watch others enjoy the very thing we lack takes a special grace.
without this grace we turn to ugly places.
God doesn't waste our pain. he can redeem any situation, no matter how dark it may seem. this is who are God is."
i am so thankful for the renewal and truth that God has given me this past week. waiting has never been my favorite, but God has given me a measure of his grace during this time.
*more on the beach cottage soon! such a blessed few days with two of my favorites.
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