life means so much.

i'm heading out. after a crazy week of finals and check-outs, feeling like i barely have time to breath, much less enjoy my last moments of the semester, i'm flying over the ocean to a sunny paradise my friends call home.

as i think about the days ahead, i am excited. i get to go to hawaii.

then i hear things like "friends" by michael w. smith on the radio. the song is a bit sappy, but today it made me cry because of how much i love the friends God gave me this year.

help me enjoy these moments, jesus. i want to appropriately grieve the end of the precious time you've given me, but not ruin the gift of the next 9 days with my room-mates. it feels right to be sad, but i don't want to linger more than i should. teach me to count the days. teach me to make the days count. thank you that life means so much.

warm and fuzzies

i am sitting here, waiting for my next check-out time, since i got done early with the last ones. i'm listening to brooke fraser and feeling too tired and drained even to cry.

last night was a different story though. after check-outs and dinner with jenny, i made popcorn bars and went to bed...for an hour before it was time for our lastest staff meeting. i drove over with amanda, with her computer (complete with staff video!) and the popcorn bars on my lap. we wrote "warm and fuzzies" (according to benson, who apparently loves "warm and fuzzies") to each other on paper supplied by martha. we watched the video amanda made of our staff this year, which made me laugh more than anything else, complete with so many wonderful memories. we also presented martha with the picture frame with all of our "senior" pictures surrounding our group picture. she loved it. she wrote us all special notes on paper hearts that matched our bibles, saying "love beyond words." amanda gave the boys pillowcases, specific to each of them. bryan got a musical notes case and john "you awkward awkward man you..." got his covered with computer keys. benson of course had his favorite team, arizona. scotty got black kitty jokes. tj and kevin both got food related pillowcases-fast food for tj and tea for kevin. then the girls were given reversible aprons, made by amanda also. mine is covered with nurses, and is completely adorable, with pockets even! by then, it felt like time for bed, so some hugs and few good-byes later, bryan, kevin, john and i squished into the back of amanda's car, with stacey in the front with amanda, laughing together as we went over the speed bump. as i walked up the stairs to apt. #9 and sat on the couch, reading all my "warm and fuzzies" i couldn't help but cry a little. i am so blessed to know these people.

to wake up this morning and not be alone in the apartment was just what i needed. having jenny still here has been an extra blessing. last night after dinner she looked at staff pictures with me, and it felt happy to have her share a little part of what has been such a huge aspect of this year for me. i am glad she's here for a few more hours.

my friends are getting ready to graduate right now. there is no more wondering if this is the end. it is really feeling like it, and i'm not liking it too much. how i am going to miss them...

a picture is worth a thousand words

i feel like there is so much i want to say, but as i looked at pictures today, i realized that it was all here. as i look at the visual representation of so many memories, i want to laugh and cry. but most of all, i just want to thank him for giving me this time.

last walkabout dinner tonight...its hard to believe that we only became friends eight months ago. i love laughing with these people. my favorite was hearing bryan talk about the shark eating his fanny pack. "it saved my life."




seeing staff friends today made me so thankful for the time we've had...


(this was at the dance...we're demonstrating the super-hero inside of us)

prayer

this is such a hard week. so many tests, papers, assignments to finish. families are here, or will be soon for check-out and graduation for some of my friends. stress levels are high and little sleep seems to be a given. even though i am going through much of this, i wish i could help to take this hard part away from my friends. watching them struggle is so difficult and makes me wish that i could do something.

for some reason, i don't feel like praying is always doing "something." why is that? do i just not have faith that my prayers could actually make a difference? lord, help my unbelief.

when i tell people that i am praying for them, i make it a priority to really mean it. i don't just say the words, but i really do pray for them. these people are so precious to me:my family both here and at home. do they know that when i say i am praying for them that i really mean it? that i am doing all that i can to help them? that i know they are hurting and want to help them? i hope so...

lord, be the sustainer of these people who mean so much to me. give them your grace to make it through these days. be their strength and help them to grow because of the struggle. please bless them and encourage them.

dependence

yesterday when we tracing the silhouettes for martha, it was impossible to create the work of art on our own. i was thinking today about the teamwork involved not only yesterday but this year. scott had to help me hold my arm up, while cherie traced. i've had to ask for help this week from my team. i've had to ask questions and ask for help even though speaking up isn't always my favorite thing to do. i've had to let people know when i am hurting.
dependence on each other can be so scary and vulnerable, but it is so needed. i think that has been one of the best lessons of the year for me. it is also one of the reasons i am feeling so reluctant to end this semester.

teary-eyed already

last night was the dance. fancy-schmancy and super fun. more on that later...

tonight was the last collective res. life activity: dinner at calamity jane's. and even now tears are filling my eyes, but nothing is spilling over. i'm sure that will come soon enough.

we wore our staffie sweatshirts in the nice sunny weather. we ate burgers and drank think, rich shakes (some of us more than others...) we laughed. we watched the staff video. bryan got called adopted by jocelyn...haha. "bryan has a dot on him." benson laughed at jocelyn snorting. i can still see him curled over laughing, which was utterly contagious. i held amanda's hand. we presented martha with her silhouette poster and made her tear-up. we car-pooled, including kevin, "the avid car-pooler."

does the end have to be already?

i am almost glad for check-outs and tests. as awful as they are, they make the end a bit more bearable by making me long for the end to come...even a little.

i don't feel ready. our dinner ended too quickly. our time together is almost over. like amanda, i think i'm beginning to freak out just a little.

go team!

res. life b-ball tournament was tonight. lots of sweat, cookies, orange slices, gatorade, competitive spirits and amazing people. we definitely should have won, despite our lack of points in a few games. we had the best team spirit. we had the best turn-out of staff members. we had the best (and only) cheerleaders. we brought food and we even shared it. go APT!!!

for realsies-this is what it is all about

tonight made me happy.
i got to take a long unintentional nap.
i got to hear peter and paul talk about baseball games.
i got to bake with amanda: chocolate pudding cookies, vanilla cupcakes and snickerdoodles...all from scratch.
i got to laugh with martha and amanda.
i got to look at pictures of res. life.
i got to look at my staff moving all the muscles in their face being captured in a single photograph.
i got to listen the campus music project.
i got to quote lines and laugh about inside jokes.
i got to say dumb things (unintentionally) and have people laugh with me.
i got to listen to clay aiken and hear martha accidently call him every other name but his own that starts with a "c."
i got to talk about the dance and get excited.
i got to listen to brooke fraser.
i got to lay on amanda's floor.
i got to have a three-way hug with martha and amanda.
i got to walk home happy and ready for bed.

friendship crush

i think i have a friendship crush on bryan. today as i watched him in mr. bruin, i was so proud to be his friend. his genuine heart, sense of humor and God-given passions were so evident.
tonight was fun:
-seeing his rap about his own awkward moments with girls and knowing the stories behind them
-watching him dance, get thrown into the air and rhythmically fish
-reading that one of his nicknames is his full name
i have been so blessed by his presence in my life this year.

trying not to cry...

i feel like this week has been going non-stop...until now. and i feel like crying. and laughing, when thinking about the last few hours.

pathophysiology test was friday afternoon, followed by a full weekend of activities, preparation for check-out, and lots of studying. monday was my health assessment final. assessing melodi from head-to-toe felt so scary, but i think it went pretty well. all-area meeting to go over check-out information was also on monday night. not alot of sleep that night, as i got ready for the first half of my practicum test. that was the next morning and felt scary too. without feedback, i can only hope that i did decently, but i think so...

after that, i felt completely exhausted. i took a short nap, but i went to bed early too. sleeping alot last night helped, but i was still tired today. going to classes and packing didn't seem to help too much.

tonight was our last staff meeting. we drove to p.f. chang's in bridgeport. it felt a little sad to be sitting at a long table and not get to be with everyone. the people at the other end of the table seemed so far away. martha and amanda presented us with awards for the year. mine was for "using my razor sharp memory to keep our staff on the right path"..."because I'm Jesus." =) that made me want to cry a little bit, but then martha started to say how special we were as her first staff at fox. she started to cry a little while telling us how much she loves all of us. then she gave us the cutest (sorry guys! i hope you think that they are manly..) pocket Bible ever. she engraved them with "love beyond words" which as she says, can mean either the verb or the noun or both.

a few happy moments from tonight:
-riding over with jocelyn and stacey
-taking pictures next to the horse outside p.f.chang's
-having my laugh described by jocelyn as a guinea pig
-sharing fried rice and lots of shrimp with jocelyn and stacey
-hearing bryan's laugh
-eating the wall of chocolate cake
-hearing david call the wall of chocolate cake "the great wall of china"
-hearing martha correct david and call it "the berlin wall" since it had been demolished
-hearing bryan's sales pitch for mr. bruin tomorrow night
-watching david stick his fortune in his sock
-hearing john excitedly talk about the luck of the leprechauns
-being all together, feeling like a family
-riding home with jocelyn, stacey, danielle and amanda

i feel like crying. i'm not ready to give these people up. i don't feel ready to start a new chapter, when this one has been so wonderful. i love these people so much.
i'm going to bed now, so that i can keep from crying.

brooke fraser

i've recently discovered brooke fraser, thanks to mw. she's amazing. brooke, that is, but mw definitely is too!!! 19 years-old and from new zealand, but aside from her youth and accent, her music touches something deep inside of me. i've had shadowfeet in my head all day. it makes me glad to belong to jesus.
take a listen-http://www.brookefraser.com/musicbox/home.do

white as snow

today i typed up a possible theme for my apartments next year. it was inspired by cherie's cape for me, decorated with snowiness representing winters apartments. so the possible theme is snow!

"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”
-Isaiah 1:18

i really want my residents next year to have the reminder to respond to the redemption we have in Christ. this response includes not only their interactions with each other, but in every area of their lives. my prayer is that with the reminder of the Lord's desire to redeem us and make us clean as snow, we will seek to reflect him in all we do. i certainly need that reminder!



i miss my family. today as i walked back after finishing my patho test, i felt a little sad to know that it would be a few more weeks before i would get to be with them. easter weekend was good, but it still doesn't make up for me missing paul's birthday this weekend. so much to do, but i still wish i could be there and give him a big 9-year-old hug...

just a few ponderings

patho test tomorrow, but i feel like i need to get a few random ponderings out first...

i met with mw for our one-on-one today which felt so right. somehow she just adds a bit of stability and reason to my life. not that i'm completely out of whack without her, but the world just seems a little better after being with her. (i hope people can say that about me, after spending time around me!) we re-established that romantic love is not the only kind of relationship that is possible with a male friend. praise the lord! =) we talked about "the man from snowy river." we talked about our team and next year's team. we talked about the soon-approaching end. we talked about lack of motivation. we talked about boys. we talked about easter and spring break. i think i have a friendship crush on mw. after i'm with her, i just am ready for some more! =)

on my way to see taylor today, i was feeling overwhelmed. i had made up my mind that this would be the last year. then i saw her face. when she lit up when i entered the room, i felt a twinge. but then her down-cast face when i told her that next week is our last week really did me in. what am i supposed to do? when i talked to aubrey about this a couple of weeks ago, she suggested not doing little bruins, but still visiting her. maybe every other week or once a month. ummms...

seeing friends today blessed my heart. how was your test? how is your life? truly caring about me. hugging me. thanks, jesus. i need them. i can see your love for me through them.

the end is coming soon. check-out is coming up. spring formal is next next sunday. our last staff meeting is next wednesday. one more walkabout dinner. tests. tests. tests. exams. exams. exams. (which sounds scarier?)

my favorite song of the day is "you are beautiful" which i am listening to it right now. i think i've listened to it about 10 times, without exaggeration. strong work, bryan and scott. i must say that my favorite was the live versions on our retreats. i wish there was a way to paste a little of the happiness i get when i listen to it on this page...

i don't what you've been through/but i see that you're scared/from the pain that you've felt/and if love's even there/your past is all cloudy/reminders of hurt/and so you don't understand/just how much you are worth

you are beautiful/you are beautiful/no matter what they say/no matter what kind of day/you are beautiful

you are worth more than silver/you are worth more than gold/and your smile's a dream/that has never been told/you don't have to be perfect/we all have our flaws/just know that you're made/in the image of God

you are beautiful/you are beautiful/no matter what they say/no matter what kind of day/you are beautiful

with the weight of the world/tryin' to bring you down/and the pressures and the struggles/are all around/there's someone who'll love you/more than you'll know/and he's whisperin' in your ear/that you're beautiful

your life's a work in progress/it's only begun/you have so much to offer/don't be scared to move on/the future is here/it's a brand new day/put a smile on your face/as you hear him say...

you are beautiful/you are beautiful/no matter what they say/no matter what kind of day/you are beautiful

last day of clinicals!

it seems hard to believe that the semester is coming to an end so quickly. next week is my last week of classes, with a week of tests to follow. and today was my last day of clinicals for the semester.
i shadowed a nurse today, but because people had called in sick, she was doing medications this morning. having been with a med. aide last week, at first, i was a little disappointed to be doing/watching the same things. it turned out to be the busiest morning i've had yet! she called me her "angel of mercy." she was slower doing medications than the aide i followed last week, because she didn't have a routine. i was so thankful for my experience last week! i was able to really help her, and in turn, she let me do all the things i watched last week. i got to crush pills, give eye drops, take lots of vital signs, give medication to both cooperative and uncooperative individuals and learn alot by talking with her as we worked together. i like feeling useful and getting to do more than just watch things being done.
we threw a tiny party for the facility to thank them for being so gracious to us. we got to eat cake and show our appreciation with a card. i really felt like i was shown a lot of patience as they worked with us. as one cna said, "for not knowing anything, you guys did pretty good!" =) i'm glad for the experience, because i truly learned more than i could ever have by books or videos. i'm glad for my amazing clinical group. they became my friends and i loved laughing with them. i'll miss not having all the same people next year in clinicals. i'm glad to be done. no more getting up before 5...for a while at least!
one happy thought today (even if it was before 6:30 this morning): learning that carrie and amy were as crazy about adventures in odyssey as me growing up! and that carrie is not a fan of john everett whittaker either. =)

i'm just a little black rain cloud...

just a few bits of happiness from the author of winnie-the-pooh: a. a. milne:

"When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it."

"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes."

"Tiggers don't like honey."

love with trust

"if you deceive someone, you lose one of life's greatest treasures, you lose the capacity to trust. because without trust, love is not possible". -osho

is this true? do i not love God when i refuse to trust him? is trust the true demonstration of love?

happy thought today: walking by winters apartments and having a wave of excitement without the slightest hint of sadness. not that i am not sad for the end of the semester, but i had a moment without that sadness. it all might be okay after all.

birds and bees

last semester my room-mates and i had a discussion about living together before marriage. i was surprised to find that not all of my room-mates agreed with me about the downfalls to such an arrangement. today i ran across this article, which hardly even mentioned biblical reasons for not living together (which is the strongest reasoning for me) but discussed some of the myths about the process:
myth 1- living together is a good way to "test the waters"
myth 2- couples don't really need that piece of paper
myth 3- cohabitating relationships usually lead to marriage
myth 4- cohabitating relationships are more egalitarian than marriage
http://www.crosswalk.com/marriage/11531429/
another thought i had today was about kissing, after reading this quote:
"the decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. it changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender." -emil ludwig
years ago now, i decided that i would strive to save my first kiss for my future husband and my idea was that it would be at the altar. that seems quite ambitious to me now, but still possible. with my lips still un-kissed, i was thinking today about my motives for this form of abstinence.
and tomorrow, equality riders will be visiting both of my classes. i am excited/nervous to spend time with them, hearing their stories. such an array of people: gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual or allies for their cause. it should be an interesting day.

bits and pieces

i had an amazing day of clinicals. i feel too tired to articulate it all right now...
bits and pieces of my day:
-getting up before 5 am
-following a med. aid who didn't even come up to my shoulder
-getting to learn from this humble, patient woman
-appreciating even seemingly simple tasks like giving medication
-getting called "pretty" by a resident
-taking lots of vital signs
-feeling light-headed when watching wound care
-sitting on the floor and watching with great interest for about 45 minutes of wound care
-learning so much more in person than i ever could with a video
-laughing on the drive home with holly, kyle and erica
-seeing friends for the first time since spring break
-taking a lifespan human development quiz
-figuring out easter plans
-finishing my exegesis paper
-being amazed at God's pleasure in redeeming us
-taking brownies to my friends with birthdays this week
-writing an e-mail to my residents and praying for them by name
-talking to mommy and daddy on the phone
-going to a meeting and learning about the check-out process
-hugging friends
-feeling peace from God in spite of the overwhelming amount of work to get done before april 30

today was a good day. it was busy, tiring and full of learning. yet, i was happy. i liked this c. s. lewis quote, and felt good knowing my happiness and peace could not be felt apart from God.

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from himself, because it is not there. there is no such thing." -c. s. lewis

one more quote which offered me comfort as i thought about the blessings of this year and my sadness to see their end in sight:

"when we lose one blessing, another is often most unexpectedly given in its place." -c. s. lewis

praise God from whom all blessings flow
praise him all creatures here below
praise him above ye heavenly hosts
praise father, son and holy ghost
amen.

amazing love

today as i read in john about the triumphal entry and mary's anointing of jesus, i was struck with jesus' humanity and divinity. how must it have felt to know as he did what was to come? to hear his friends assure him of their allegiance, knowing full well that they would betray him...to hear his praises from the same crowd that would shout for his death only days later...to see his disciples worry about things that wouldn't matter the next day, when he was going to change eternity with his death that friday...

i was also reminded of my own fickle nature. how easily i am swayed away from christ. how easily i offer my promises and good intentions. i thought today of how much it must hurt the heart of God to hear me pledge my allegiance and commitment to him, only to betray him days later. while my betrayal is never as visible as peter's denial of jesus or judas' kiss, i felt the depth of my sin today.

yet, i also felt the depth of christ's love. that he would willingly die for sinners, disappointing, betraying people filled my heart with wonder today.

amazing love. how can it be? that you, my king would die for me?
amazing love. i know it's true. its my joy to honor you. in all i do, i honor you.
i'm forgiven because you were forsaken.
i'm accepted. you were condemned.
i'm alive and well. your spirit is within me, because you died and rose again.
jesus, you are my king. jesus, you are my king.