bigger

its still a little weird to think that i'm 21.
i've been alive for 21 years.

as i get older, aslan gets bigger.
for some reason, in my head it seems like the more i figure out about life, i should also figure out more about aslan. isn't that how it works? as peter grows, he becomes closer to my height. i don't become bigger in relation to his growth (even though i don't always like how close he is coming to surpassing me...)
while i know that my relationship with Jesus has changed and grown, i feel smaller than ever.

and i also feel as though i'm seeing things that i may have been too naive or child-like to notice before.
not that any of these things are new revelations, but...
life is hard.
people i love have been hurt and i can't fix it.
the church isn't perfect.
people i love let me down.

"aslan. aslan. dear aslan," sobbed lucy. "at last."
the great beast rolled over on his side so that lucy fell, half sitting and half lying between his front paws. he bent forward and just touched her nose with his tongue. his warm breath came all round her. she gazed up into the large wise face.
"welcome, child," he said.
"aslan," said lucy, "you're bigger."
"that is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"not because you are?"
"i am not. but every year you grow, you will find me bigger."
for a time she was so happy that she did not want to speak. but aslan spoke.
"lucy," he said, "we must not lie here for long. you have work in hand, and much time has been lost today."
-prince caspian, c. s. lewis

i'm glad that aslan has it figured out. i'm glad he gets bigger as i do. i'm glad he's in control.
but as i get bigger, i have work to do. he has work for me to do. my eyes are being opened more to the hurting world, and i'm not called to merely watch the pain. he expects me to do something about it. but he's big enough to help me make up for any lost time. he's big enough to breath on me and calm my fears.