the one i've always wanted

i recently watched "stranger than fiction" with my friend, molly. although i had seen it before, i connected with something in a particular scene of the movie.
the whole premise of the film is that an IRS agent starts hearing a voice narrating his life. when the voice mentions his imminent death, harold has to find out if he has any control over the story or if the narrator is going to kill him. during this search, he seeks the help of professor hilbert, a professor of literature.

Jules Hilbert: You were right. This narrator might very well kill you. So I humbly suggest that you just forget all this and go live your life.

Harold Crick: Go live my life? I am living my life. I'd like to continue to live my life.

Jules Hilbert: I know. Of course. I mean all of it. However long you have left. You know, I mean, Howard,you could use it to have an adventure. You know, invent something, or just finish reading Crime and Punishment. Hell, Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.

Harold Crick: What's wrong with you? Hey. I don't wanna eat nothing but pancakes. I wanna live. Who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?

Jules Hilbert: Harold, if you'd pause to think. I believe you'd realize that that answer's inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led and, of course,the quality of the pancakes.

Harold Crick: You don't understand. What I'm saying.

Jules Hilbert: Yes, I do.

Harold Crick: But you have to understand that this isn't a philosophy or a literary theory or a story to me. It's my life.
Jules Hilbert:Absolutely. So just go make it the one you've always wanted.



as soon as i heard that last line, i knew that was how i felt. as cheesy as it sounds, i feel like with this move to PA and my new job, i get to have the life i've always wanted.

don't get me wrong. i am really going to miss my family and friends enormously. i hate that i am going to be so far away. my heart hurts when i think about it.
i am also very thankful for my nursing experience and how God has stretched and grown me through it all.
but i am also very grateful that i get to have the chance to have "the one i've always wanted." i am so excited to get to be a resident director.

adventure is out there!

i thought i had a plan for my life. acting out of obedience, i applied to nursing school, became a nurse and thought God would show me what was next down the road of nursing. the only thing about plans is that sometimes God has something better in mind...

back in mid-march, melissa from my bible study mentioned that the surgical clinic her mom worked for might be having an opening for a nurse and asked if i would be interested in a job. my first thought was, "no, i already have a job." but then the more i thought about it, the more appealing a switch sounded. i could work more normal hours with a less hectic pace. as i continued to think and pray, the more i was honest about how i felt about my current job. i loved the people that i worked with, but was lacking the passion for oncology nursing i saw in them every day at work. i felt that this was God giving me a chance to try something new and different.

so, i applied for the job and even had a good interview with them, but they didn't end up having an opening after all. i then started applying to other clinics in the area. during this search process, i had the realization that although i was unhappy in my current job, i didn't feel particularly called to clinic nursing. so then i started applying to school nursing jobs...the few that i could find.

it was during this job search that i had a conversation with my friend Molly. she was really honest with me and was the person God used to reveal his plan to me, at least for this next season. she helped me realize that it was maybe more than just this particular job i wasn't passionate about. it was nursing in general. and having lived with me for my last year of nursing school, i feel like she would know better than most people the struggle i have experienced in this area. i truly felt like God wanted me to study nursing, but never felt passionate about. there were certainly points along the way that God confirmed that i was being obedient or where i got to see the hand i had in someone's life. however, the passion that i sensed in so many of my classmates was lacking in my own heart. i assumed it would kick in, when God showed me where he wanted me to be. but instead, in the past few months, i think he showed me a completely different path.

during that conversation, Molly pointed out that what made me the happiest, the most excited and the most fulfilled in the whole 6 years she has known me was when i was doing residence life. and as soon as she said that, i knew that she was right. i felt God give me an amazing sense of peace as she spoke. it was as if God was giving me permission to dream about the thing i wanted most to do. when we hung up the phone, i started applying for resident director jobs. that week in the middle of april, i applied to a few schools on the west coast, happy that there were several schools that were hiring that i was interested in. but then a conversation with another friend made me question the geographical limitations i had put on my search. was i limiting God by only applying to schools in locations that i preferred? i felt like God was prompting me to broaden my search, so i started looking for any residence life job at a christian college within the continental u.s.

during this search, i quickly discovered that quite a few schools either preferred or required a master's degree. while i might have had undergraduate residence life experience, i didn't have any experience as a professional and i lacked education beyond my bachelor's degree. although i had said at the end of last year that i didn't see myself ever going back to school, i realized that my reluctance to return to the books was related to my strong desire to avoid more nursing school. after a little prompting and confirmation from God, i decided that i might want to return to school next year.

also during this process, a job at a children's clinic became available here in salem. while i thought i'd closed the book on nursing for this next season, the thought of a slower pace, getting to stay in salem while working with kids sounded appealing. i applied for the job and had a stellar interview. the next week i was offered the job. since i was working that day, i wasn't able to respond right away. when i did respond that night, it turned out that i had taken too long to respond and they would be giving my job away to someone else. i had a job for less than 24 hours before it was gone. i certainly was annoyed at the manner in which my job offer had been revoked, but i wasn't too disappointed at how God had shut that door. after all, i had been praying for clarity for my future!

i don't want to sound like this was an easy past few months. from what i've written so far, you wouldn't know that there have been days when i have not wanted to get out of bed to go to work and had to pray so hard even to have a good attitude about being there. yes, i have had days of excitement for how God is working, but i have also had days when i questioned if he is working at all. i think i assumed i would know something definite much sooner, since this process has been going on for over two months now, which has sometimes made me more than a little discouraged. but, God is so faithful. he continued to encourage me despite my lack of faith-through my devotionals, through my family, through my friends and even through songs on my ipod. even though i may have doubted it in moments of weakness, i know that he has my life in his hands. i am his.

so, after over 50 job applications, 4 grad school applications, a number of interviews, i flew out to philadelphia biblical university in langhorne, PA on sunday, june 27 for a final interview. i had only found out on tuesday of the week before that i was being asked to come out, so even that was a new development. the previous week i had been given a few answers by other schools, which strangely enough didn't make me feel too disappointed. i started feeling prompted by God to come to terms with my willingness to move across the country. it was if he was giving me the choice. i felt him telling me that it would be okay if i stayed in salem, working at salem hospital, staying near my family and friends. but as i read the resident director job description, continued to pray, the more i felt my heart change about the chance to move to the east coast. i knew what my answer would be if i got asked to be pbu's resident director for manor dorms.

after walking around campus, having conversations with different staff, hanging out with the student life department, my decision was easy. when they asked me if i wanted the job or if i needed time to think about it, i didn't have to think anymore. i knew my answer was yes.

so....i am moving to pennsylvania! i get to be a resident director! and i think i am going to hold off for grad school, at least for this next year. i am so excited for what is ahead. i'm still not thrilled about being so far away from so many people i love, but i know that this is God's doing. and i am fully confident that he is going to give me new people to love. but as people i currently love, i would covet your prayers during this transition! (and i would like to see as many of you as possible before i leave, please!)

"adventure is out there!" -up

ps. here is pbu's website if you want more info. on the school where i will be living in just a matter of weeks.
http://www.pbu.edu/index.htm

captain of this vessel

this happened sometime in november, but it has turned into a favorite nursing story that i am often asked to tell...so i thought i should write it down. =)



it was a busy morning. lots of rushing from room to room. orders to be signed off. charting still to be done. family members needing to talk to the nurse. piles of pills to be given. a blood transfusion to be started. vital signs to be checked. it was the sort of morning that gets away from you, and before you know it, it is time to check blood sugars for lunch time. and you wonder where those four and half hours that you've been at work have gone to.


in the midst of this, i was walking a chart up to the nurse's station, when i heard the familiar tone of a bed alarm sounding. and in less time that it takes to tell, i looked up and down the hallway, hoping that there would be someone else to keep this patient safe. the patient's nurse perhaps? or the nursing assistant? but no such luck. one quick glance this way and then that way showed me that i was it. a repeated sentiment from nursing school flashed through my head, "nurses are the patient's last line of defense." i smiled to myself as i quickened my pace toward the noise, accepting the role of the defender.


setting the chart down at the server just outside of the blaring room, i waltzed in quickly, glancing up at the patient's white board as i did so as to ascertain this escaping man's name.
"richard." i stated firmly, immediately getting the 80-year-old's attention. i reached over to hit the button on the side of the bed that would silence the alarm, noting the man's left leg swung over the side railing. i reached over and tried to encourage him to place it back in bed. as soon as my hand left his leg, he swung it back into the position that i found him in.
"richard," i said again, "where are you going? you need to stay in bed."
"i need to pee before i get on the boat!" he emphatically told me.
before i could address his claim about boarding a ship, i glanced down and saw familiar tubing. "richard, i have great news. you have a foley catheter, a tube that goes into your bladder. you don't have to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. you can go ahead and go!"
shock and disbelief flickered across his face as he looked down at his own anatomy and true enough, saw the catheter i spoke of.
"WHO PUT THAT THERE?"
as i began to explain, he interrupted me to ask, "are you the captain of this vessel?"
i shook my head. "no, no, i am not. let's get you back in bed."
i lifted his left leg yet again to place it back into the bed, but it would seem richard had other ideas for positioning his body. no sooner had i helped his leg find its way under the covers, would richard swing his leg back over the railing.
richard then began to pull on the tubing come from his body, and i quickly discouraged that, doing my best to explain to the confused man in front of me what was taking place.
with his leg swung over the railing and the apparent desire to remove certain tubing, he asked me yet again, "are you the captain of this vessel?"
i took a deep breath and plunged ahead, feeling that taking command of a ship might be the only thing to gain richard's respect in the situation.
"yes, richard, i am the captain of this vessel. and we need to get you back to bed."
no sooner had i uttered those words than a stubborn leg returned submissively to the mattress and two wrinkled hands suddenly folded onto his chest.
my task of getting him comfortable in bed become simple with my sudden rise to power. but unfortunately, becoming captain did not solve richard's confusion. as i was finishing tucking him in, he asked if i would pretend to be a tree. and not just any tree, a lonely tree. i smiled but declined his request, informing him that his captain had other business to see to.


as i returned to my original duty of delivering a chart to the front desk, i was reminded of one of the reasons i like my job. its true that a nurse may be the last line of defense for a patient, but a nurse also has opportunities that arise unexpectedly during the course of any given day. who knew that today would be my lucky day? the day that i would get to weigh anchor on my very own vessel!

things i'm thankful for at the end of this day-

-a job that is both exhausting and fulfilling

-teamwork at work

-correctly placing 3 NG tubes, which i haven't done since nursing school

-phone calls from friends/family

-knowing that Jesus controls my destiny

best gift ever

best gift ever-

getting to be home for 8 whole days for christmas.

the slightly awful day

things i don't like:

• feeling overwhelmed
• making dumb mistakes in front of a doctor
• grumpy, bossy, unhelpful nurses
• patients' husbands who make jokes about their sex life, telling you how you feel about the jokes (and they happened to be very wrong. i was NOT secretly hiding my laughter. i was trying not to show how repulsed i was!)
• not knowing i am getting a new patient, until after they have arrived
• crying during my lunch break

things i like:

• parents who pray for me
• nurses who help out
• thankful patients
• knowing i did my best
• getting a letter from my best friend in brazil
• coming home, putting on my favorite sweatshirt & climbing in bed

measure of grace

just because i don't complain out loud doesn't mean that i haven't let a little piece of bitterness into my heart. it seemed to sneak in without me knowing, and definitely without an invitation. i realized just last week that i had suddenly become resentful of my singleness. even a little mad at God.

needless to say, that it didn't take long for my heart to be convicted of this. first of all, i had my Bible study (which has been such a blessing.) when i heard what the other girls had to say about the section we had all studied during the week, i felt a tight feeling in my abdomen as i realized what my problem was, and i suppose still is. i like plans. always have, probably always will. and although in my head i say i believe that God has a plan for me, i had been treating his plan as the back-up one. i had failed to trust that his plan for me not only was good but better than mine, and even the BEST one.

the day after Bible study, i spent the day visiting friends in newberg. God gave me a real gift in the encouragement that i enjoyed that day. on my way home, i got a text from martha.

do you have any days off next week?

want to come chill at a beach house with me and kyle?

call me asap.

woot!

woot indeed.

those few days at the beach in our little cottage were so restful and life-giving.

although i certainly didn't deserve it, God blessed with me this gift-rest, friendship, laughter,

and he continued to teach me things. aside from the gift of being with dear friends, who revived my spirit, i had time to read and think, with God continuing to work in my heart.

he reminded me of hebrews 12:10-11

"our parents disciplined us for a little while as they thought best;but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

he gave me this nugget from c. s. lewis:

"we are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

and also from the blog of john stumbo talking about deprivation.

"it seems that everyone else has caught a train for which we can't get a ticket. some of us have hopes that our point of deprivation is temporary, while others have to honestly admit that they will probably live out their lives in this state.

the question arises, can we be okay with ourselves, others and God when we can't have everything we want in life? its bad enough when we can't have it ourselves, but to watch others enjoy the very thing we lack takes a special grace.

without this grace we turn to ugly places.

God doesn't waste our pain. he can redeem any situation, no matter how dark it may seem. this is who are God is."

i am so thankful for the renewal and truth that God has given me this past week. waiting has never been my favorite, but God has given me a measure of his grace during this time.

*more on the beach cottage soon! such a blessed few days with two of my favorites.

fall color safari-year 2

2 things i love about living in salem:
how beautiful salem is in october
my proximity to john
and yesterday, i got to enjoy both of those things, with pumpkin waffles and hazelnut coffee on the side.

carrots

can you guess what i bought today?



that's right! a wig =)

i held it together for 12 hours...

i am spent. 

today broke my heart and exhausted every ounce of energy that i had to give. 

i came home and cried. 

 

i had to help a family walk through a brand new diagnosis of stage four cancer, with only months to live. and although they thanked me again and again for my care and attention to them, i can't help but feel as though i am barely touching the hurt. this family became very dear to my heart in the two days that cared for this patient, and i can only pray that God comforts and heals in ways in which i can not. 

i had to walk a patient and his family through his first batch of chemo. even though i am not the one who gives it, since i'm not certified as a chemotherapy nurse, i am still his nurse and do everything BUT give the chemotherapy. with a relatively new diagnosis, a young family and his first experience with chemotherapy, i did my best to answer all their questions with my limited experience with oncology. (i appreciate that my patients assume i know what i'm doing/that i am a competent nurse, but sometimes i wish they didn't assume quite so much!)

i had to advocate for a patient with constant pain who wasn't getting the attention she needed from the doctor. it wasn't really the doctor's fault, just bad communication between specialists and consultants. however, it was me who had to sort through all the phone calls to help my patient get the treatment she wanted AND needed. i know she felt bad for continuing to vent to me, knowing that i was doing everything i could to help her. at the end of the day, she grabbed my hand and with tears in her eyes, thanked me for making an unbearable day full of wracking, spasming pain, bearable. 

i had to give care to an elderly woman who has been neglected in her daughter's care. while the pneumonia that brought her to the hospital was not her daughter's fault, her red, excoriated skin was such a sad sight, as it was so preventable. this woman thanked me again and again for looking after her needs. 

i have never talked to so many family members or called so many doctors in one day. i am exhausted. when i asked for God to use me today, i didn't envision this. but i wouldn't have traded today. i'm tired. all over. and my eyes are now puffy from crying, but i am so thankful that i could be used in this small way, for one day in these people's lives. 

may God give me the grace to continue loving on people in this way.

and may he fill me up so that i can keep pouring out.