Tuesday, March 6, 2007

trust

God has really been teaching me about trusting in him. more than i would like. about alot of things.

ever since this semester started, i have had this fear about the end of the year. i don't want to say good-bye to my staff who have become my family. i don't want to be that much closer to being a grown up. i don't want to start over loving a whole new staff. i'm scared there won't be room in my heart. i'm afraid i'll miss my other family too much. i love them so much. it hurts to think that some of them won't even be here next year because they're graduating. bother.

i'm scared about nursing. today was my first clinical experience and before this morning, i felt completely inadequate. am i cut out for this job? sometimes i feel so lost and wonder if this is for me. i get excited at the idea of being able to tangibly meet peoples' needs, but classes can be so overwhelming.

even where to go for junior's abroad at the end of next year. sign-ups are only a few short days away. where do i want to go out of so many amazing trips? should i stick with my friends? how do i chose?

and the little girl i'm mentoring. am i making a difference? should i do this again next year? it takes alot of out of me, not only time-wise but emotionally. it feels right, but i want to be an active member of res. life next year. i don't want to commit to anything that God isn't calling me to. will she feel abondoned if i don't continue with her another year? will i feel like i'm abondoning her?

in spite of all these doubts and fears, God has been speaking to me. encouraging me. giving me peace even with all my unanswered questions and waverings.

last night was good for me. i had a moment of fear as i walked into the res. life meeting and realized that i didn't know very many people. after signing the contract, i began to get a little excited for the chance to be a part of res. life again next year. a little fear mixed with excitement. then, we split up into staffes for next year. apartment staff seemed so different from my staff now, but right somehow. even with nervous emotions, the picture we took at the ends seems to capture it all. i can't exactly explain it, but i feel like God is providing for all my needs before i'm even asking. next year is covered. it may feel different than this year, but it will be what i need.

with less than 5 hours of sleep, i woke up early (at the butt-crack of dawn as my nursing buddies say!) to go to my first clinical. i was so nervous! again, God more than provided. i was assigned to follow a nurse around for the morning. feeding patients, dressing bed sores, doing vital signs, checking patients' bruising...being cursed at, which would have made me probably cry, if the patient had been in her right mind. as it was, i couldn't help but laugh as soon as i was out of the room.

"who are you?"
"i'm a nursing student."
"are you here to learn how to be mean?"
"no, i'm here to learn how to provide good nursing care."
"well, you won't learn it with this bad company."

this was followed by many names and explitives that i won't repeat here, but make me smile just a little. =)

mw gave an amazing quote last night that made me want to cry, because it touched my heart right where all my doubts, hurt and hope have been pouring out of.

"every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see." -corrie ten boom

1 comment:

Jan said...

I like your blog. You are a good writer. And I like to know what you are feeling and experiencing. I love the quote!!!! And I love you!!! Momsy